This is kind of a difficult post to write, partly because it's so personal, and partly because it'll be hard to "save face" after this. I debated about writing it, but I think it's important to be honest with each other and with ourselves. So, here's me being honest...
I have always struggled with self-acceptance. I am constantly warding off personal demons that say if only I were prettier, thinner, more talented, more athletic, more charismatic, more social, more confident, more... I would have more worth as a human being. I would be more loved be myself and by others.
I know I'm not the only one who struggles with these thoughts, but there are very few who are willing to admit it. I can't blame them. Who really wants to go on the record as having self-esteem issues? Who wants to admit that they struggle too? I think that there is a fear that as soon as one does come out and say, "I don't have it all together like I pretend to" that you'll automatically be written off as a pathetic loser who needs to get over it and grow up. It's really, really hard to admit to not having it all together.
I can't pretend that writing this post isn't unnerving, because it really is, but I think it's important. I think that people who struggle with these issues can gain comfort in knowing that they're not the only ones. I think we do a disservice to ourselves and others when we try to hide our struggles. It's as if we're little kids playing hide-and-seek, thinking that if we close our eyes the others can't see us. When will we learn that pushing things out of sight doesn't make them go away? I suspect that trying to hide our struggles only gives them more power over us. Maybe putting it all out there is the first step to managing, if not defeating, those negative thoughts that plague us in our weakest moments.
So, with a deep breath, I'm going to put it out there. I don't have it all togehter. I don't have all the confidence in the world. I don't feel like I'm enough. Perhaps now I can start to grow and become more satisfied with who I am as a person.
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Kelly you have so much more going for you than I did at your age, and with so much more confidence. More importantly, you've figured out that it's not about "getting it together". Sure we all strive to do better, but in the here and now it's about accepting where we are and feeling comfortable with that. I wish I'd figured that out in my twenties! It's funny how we look at other people and think it strange that they'd struggle with confidence. This is the way I look at you. It only proves that everyone has the same struggle, as you've pointed out. So you see, the only thing you need is the chickens...
ReplyDeleteKelly,
ReplyDeleteI don’t know where to start with my thoughts on your blog posting. First – I so appreciate and admire your honesty and courage in ‘putting it out there’. Second – I agree with you that many people have these types of feelings but keep them hidden from the rest of us.
I want to shout to the world how blessed I am to have you in my life.
I’ll never forget the first time I met you. Jim and I were at your parent’s house having dinner. You came home after work and sat down to say hi. My first impression of you was how beautiful you are, and then after talking with you a bit – I realized that you were beautiful on the inside too.
With time – I got to know you more and more and it was so easy to wake up one day and realize that I truly loved you.
I feel completely comfortable to be really me around you. I know that I don’t have to pretend around you – because you have a true compassionate and loving nature. You are warm, sincere, loving, open, flexible, funny, curious, beautiful, kind, spiritual and more. I wish you could see yourself as I see you. You are a gift to those who are lucky enough to be in your life.
I know that I can’t capture in words everything that I want to say to you but I wish you can see you through my ‘lens’ – and if you did – your self-esteem would be over the moon with positive and appreciative vibes.
In closing – thank you Kelly for being exactly all the way who you are in every way!!!
Kelly... everything Diane and Jim said is so true! I remember back in the beginning of you and Ryan, listening to my sister talk about how wonderful you are, I couldn't wait to meet you. Then I did and you were everything she said, and it was like I already knew you...and what is also so beautiful to me is that look of love, peace, and contentment I see on my nephews face now that you are in his life. You are a beautiful woman, not only inside, but my goodness, Kelly -- on the outside! You have a smile that lights up a room. And smart? Need we even go there? Girl...you are a brainiac and I know it will pass on to my great-nieces and great-nephews (did you say a dozen or so? LOL)
ReplyDeleteLove you forever! ♥
It's usually the people who think they have it all together that don't.
ReplyDeleteAnd the girls who run around in the littlest clothes really shouldn't most of the time.
You are a beautiful chick and RyPy really floats since he's met you. Y'all's job from now till the end of time is making each other happy and not worrying about everybody else.
Accepting yourself never really gets easy - because you're a woman. Guys can look at Fred Mertz in the mirror and see Adonis. Ladies will look at Shakira and see Ethel.
Thank you all so much for the kind and encouraging words! I couldn't be more thankful to be a part of your family. I love you all so very much!!
ReplyDeleteI think so many of us feel the very same way, but also feel as though no one else understands. Others often seem to have all the answers, but really we're all still searching! But when someone is brave enough to put it "out there," then the rest of us can join in and we can form a community. Now following ... :)
ReplyDeleteMe too.
ReplyDelete