It's a long road to self-acceptance

This is kind of a difficult post to write, partly because it's so personal, and partly because it'll be hard to "save face" after this. I debated about writing it, but I think it's important to be honest with each other and with ourselves. So, here's me being honest...

I have always struggled with self-acceptance. I am constantly warding off personal demons that say if only I were prettier, thinner, more talented, more athletic, more charismatic, more social, more confident, more... I would have more worth as a human being. I would be more loved be myself and by others.

I know I'm not the only one who struggles with these thoughts, but there are very few who are willing to admit it. I can't blame them. Who really wants to go on the record as having self-esteem issues? Who wants to admit that they struggle too? I think that there is a fear that as soon as one does come out and say, "I don't have it all together like I pretend to" that you'll automatically be written off as a pathetic loser who needs to get over it and grow up. It's really, really hard to admit to not having it all together.

I can't pretend that writing this post isn't unnerving, because it really is, but I think it's important. I think that people who struggle with these issues can gain comfort in knowing that they're not the only ones. I think we do a disservice to ourselves and others when we try to hide our struggles. It's as if we're little kids playing hide-and-seek, thinking that if we close our eyes the others can't see us. When will we learn that pushing things out of sight doesn't make them go away? I suspect that trying to hide our struggles only gives them more power over us. Maybe putting it all out there is the first step to managing, if not defeating, those negative thoughts that plague us in our weakest moments.

So, with a deep breath, I'm going to put it out there. I don't have it all togehter. I don't have all the confidence in the world. I don't feel like I'm enough. Perhaps now I can start to grow and become more satisfied with who I am as a person.

Big and small desires of my life

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I began thinking about what I want in life. As I lay there with my eyes closed, I made a mental list of the big and small. Here it is in no particular order...

1. I want to have some pet chickens.
No, I don't want to eat them (just their eggs.) I love farms and farm animals, and I would really love to have chickens someday. Ryan says that perhaps we can one day, if we live in an area that would be good for raising chickens.

2. I want to become a better writer.
I feel as though my writing skills have regressed over the years, and I would really love to sharpen them. Writing is such a wonderful, creative outlet. It's the reason I write this blog (because I know practically no one reads it.) It's something I do because I enjoy writing.

3. I want a healthy, happy, lasting marriage with Ryan.
Of course, everyone goes into marriage with this same desire, but many people tend to put less effort into the relationship as the years go on. I want to always have the same sense of admiration for Ryan that I do today, and to always make our relationship a priority.

4. I want to have children.
This is one of my greatest desires. Often times I feel like a childless mother. I want to have children so badly. The opportunity to be a mother and nurturer is something I look forward to in the future.

5. I want to grow in my faith and relationship with Jesus Christ.
I'm constantly growing, regressing, changing, and struggling with my faith (as all people do.) I'm not asking to be a perfect Christian or to have all the answers; I just want to live my life in a way that even remotely reflects the life that Jesus lived on earth. That in and of itself sounds like a tall order. Like I said, I don't have to be perfect Christian, but maybe a growing Christian would be nice.

6. I want to become a better photographer.
I love photography, and I've always wanted to take some classes. I really enjoy taking pictures of mundane things in a way that makes people see them in a new light.

7. I want to always be reading my way through a book.
Now that I've graduated college, I don't feel guilty when I pick up a book for leisure reading (as apposed to reading my required text books.) I usually feel better about myself when I am reading on a regular basis. I feel like I'm able to take in new perspectives and wisdom. I enjoy non-fiction best of all.

8. Stay hydrated.
I know this sounds like a weird addition to the list, but drinking plenty of water really makes a difference in your overall sense of well-being. It's easier to get out of bed in the morning, and your body is noticeably working more efficiently than when it is dehydrated.

Tell me some big and small desires of your life!

The Gift of Marriage

Ryan and I have been married for 32 days, and already my perspective on love, marriage, and sex has been noticeably impacted. I grew up knowing that marriage and sex were sacred gifts from God and that they were to be held with integrity, loyalty, and appreciation. I never really truly understood that until I married Ryan. I understand now more than ever that marriage really is a gift from God. When you think about it, God never needed to create the institution of marriage (although I hate calling it "an institution") but when He did, He gave us this gift of committing the rest of our lives to someone else. Being married to Ryan means that we have a sacred bond that no one else holds with us. That we have an unbreakable promise to be with each other forever, for better or worse. No matter what, I know that he is committed to me, and he knows that I am committed to him. It's such a wonderful thing to know that we hold a very intimate, meaningful, and sacred bond with each other that we don't have with anyone else. God shows me everyday through my life and relationship with Ryan that we really are loved by Him without end.

Super simple, healthy, easy Tomato Basil Soup!

Last Christmas my mom gave me one of the best gifts I've ever received. With it being a few months away from my getting married, my mom made me a recipe book. She put pictures of me when I was younger with my siblings, and sweet sayings and quotes about daughters. She had put together a bunch of her recipes for dishes that she knew I liked. Her recipe for Tomoato Basil Soup was included, and I thought I'd share it with everyone. This is a VERY easy recipe, inexpensive to make, healthy, and really really yummy.

Puree a 28 oz can of tomatos in a blender or food processor.
Add:
- about 3-4 cloves of garlic (or a couple Tablespoons of garlic powder.)
- 1 1/2 Tablespoons of melted butter or margerine.
- about 6 Basil leaves

Blend all that together again, and serve hot. I like to sprinkle a little parmasean cheese in it as well, but that's optional.

This soup takes maybe 5 minutes to make, and has a very clean and fresh taste to it. I like to serve it with homemade bread or Garlic Thyme Buiscuits. Enjoy!

Make your own Yogurt!

My wonderful hubby is an avid runner, and is often likes to make a yogurt smoothie after a run in order to recover some energy. That being said, we go through a lot of yogurt fairly quickly. His coworker gave us a recipe for making our own yogurt at home. This is a very easy and inexpensive thing to do, and saves us money because we can make it in bulk.

Things needed for recipe:

- half a gallon of milk (whole milk will make the best yogurt)
- 5-6 Tablespoons of yogurt with live active cultures (buy a cup of yogurt the first time you make it, but after your first batch, you can just save a little bit of it for the next one. You'll never have to buy yogurt again!)

First, heat a 1/2 gallon of milk on the stove top until it is just about to boil. If it starts to foam a little on the sides, it's ready.

Then, strain the milk into a large pirax dish and let it cool until it is comfortable enough to stick your finger in for about 20 seconds.

Put in 5-6 Tablespoons of yogurt with live active cultures (it will say if it has them on the back of the yogurt container) and mix well.

Put a lid on the container and wrap it up with a few heavy towels. Let it sit undisturbed for 24 hours.

After 24 hours, unwrap it and place it in the 'fridge with the lid on for another day and a half.

Enjoy!

If you want to make it again later, set aside 5-6 tablespoons of the homemade yogurt into a jar and keep in the refridgerator for next time.

I ate it this morning for breakfast with wheat germ, flax seed, honey, and homemade jam. Yum!

So many unknowns

Well, there's been a lot going on right now. Ryan and I were married on June 5th, 2010 at 2:00 in the afternoon. It was a beautiful ceremony, and we couldn't be happier together. We've been settling in and getting the proper paperwork taken care of to change my name. Things are just now starting to settle down a bit.
It's been a bit of a struggle for me lately, though, because we're in a sort of limbo phase right now. I'm in the process of looking for a job, and we're trying to figure out where we will live when our lease is up in 6 months. Because we live in an income restricted apartment, as soon as I get a job we'll no longer qualify to live here. We've been looking around for some possible apartment contenders, but it's a little difficult to search for an apartment when you don't exactely know how much you'll be making at the time of renting.
We've seen this one apartment we really like, but we won't be able to afford it unless I get this job that I'm in the process of being interviewed for. Everything's looking pretty good so far. They've interviewed me twice, and they are checking my references right now. It's just so nerve-racking because I feel like a lot depends on my getting this job. Ryan's been so wonderful with trying to calm my nerves about this job, and trying to help me see that if this job falls through that there will be another job. He's been a big support and is helping me to stay grounded. We'll see what happens with the job and apartment situation. I'm trying to remember to trust God and hold to His promise that He will always be with us and provide for us. I just have to be patient right now and try not to go insane!

The day before the wedding...

Tomorrow at 2:00 in the afternoon, my life will change forever. In just a few hours, I will be walking down the aisle to Ryan, and we will be joined as husband and wife. I can't even believe this day has come. I never expected to meet someone with as beautiful a heart as Ryan's. He's my best friend in the whole world, and I'm so in love with him. You know you've met "the one" when they know who you really are, and they still love you anyway.

This morning I finished putting some final touches on my vows. As I read them and imagined what it will be like to utter these very words to Ryan tomorrow, I started to well up with tears. What an amazing man he is. I know he would probably feel a little embarressed by my saying so, but he's the most amazing person I've ever met, and I am so very thankful to be marrying the love of my life and my best friend. What a wonderful gift from God. It's always been my contention that the love between two people is an illustration of the way God loves us. Ryan has given me a new understanding of how deep the Father's love for us is. His love is the kind that is present, even when you're in a bad mood. Even in times of irritation and aggravation His love is strong. His love is the kind that misses you even before you've left. How blessed we are as a Creation to have a God that loves us with such a forgiving and unconditional love. I am so thankful to Him for that love, and for showing it to me in a new way through Ryan.

Truths of Adulthood

In the Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin comes up with 12 pieces of wisdom that she calls "The Truths of Adulthood." Basically, these are things she has come to realize as she has gotten older. Last night, I started scribbling down some of my own truths of adulthood and this is what I came up with:

- It's normal and ok to fail.
- People don't notice your mistakes as much as you do.
- The greatest joy comes from giving others hope and reassurance.
- You're always more loved than you realize.
- Your abilities are stronger than you know.
- At the end of the day, it's not as big of a deal as you think.
- It's the little things that make the biggest impact.
- You still have more to learn.
- You're not right nearly as much of the time as you think.
- A nurturing spirit is a healing spirit.
- Complaints breed contempt, a thankful word breeds appreciation.
- Giving advice isn't as important as a listening ear.

These are things I struggle to practice sometimes, but I firmly believe they're true. What are your truths of adulthood? Try scribbling some down. Once you get started, you'll be surprised to see what comes out.

The Happiness Project

At the recommendation of my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and aunt (in-law?) I started reading this book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. It's a book that Rubin wrote to document an experiment in which she tried doing little things differently in her life in order to increase her level of happiness. At first, I was a little skeptical. I thought, "Happiness is an extreme in some ways, and I doubt someone can just 'decide' to be happier and actually succeed at it." Before you take me for a morose person, let me say that I do believe in happiness; I just never really saw it as something one could just achieve at whim. I partly didn't want to read the book, but I gave it a try.

I'm only into the first chapter (I read the preface too,) and I'm actually quite impressed with the book. This woman isn't trying to reach a new level of joy or be in a constant state of euphoria; she's just making small changes in her daily routine that impact her mood for the better. For instance, part of her happiness project is to declutter her apartment, get more sleep and exercise, read more, etc. She finds that these little things give her more energy and greater self-esteem. She also notices herself able to wake up easier in the morning, get more work done, is more patient with her children, and feel more organized.

I can really appreciate that these small things that she impliments into her life make a noticeable impact on her mood. I think that it's easy for me to forget that sometimes it's the little things that can make a big difference. This book has inspired me to start thinking about the little things more, and explore what I can do to better my overall attitude and outlook.

writing our own vows

I actually started writing my vows several months ago. I think maybe a few weeks after we got engaged. I know it was a little soon to start writing them, but the vows have been one of the things I'm looking forward to the most for our wedding. When you're younger and you think about your wedding, lots of times you think about the dress you'll wear, the flowers, the music, etc. I gave those things some thought, but I always thought the most about the vows. I've always known I would write my own vows, because it seems way too personal to have someone else write them for you.
So, I've had my vows written down for a while, but I keep going back to them and wanting to change them. I read through them several times, and then I don't altar them at all. This has been the cycle for a little bit. I want to be able to communicate how much Ryan means to me, but it's difficult to do. Sometimes words just come up short.
So I'll continue to think about how I can improve my vows, knowing that no matter what, I'll never be able to tell him what he has brought into my life, and what I hope to bring into his.

The saga of the name change

Even though I can't officially change my name until after we have the marriage license, I have started some of the paper work for changing my name. I've heard it's such a big task to change your name (think of how many documents your name appears on) that I wanted to fill out as many of the forms as possible.
It's a really weird emotional process when it comes to changing your name. I've had this name since before I was born. It's be a part of my identity my whole life. I've never identified myself with any other name before. Suddenly, I'm going through this process of legally changing that name forever. It's not that I mind it-- I'm looking forward to taking Ryan's name. Still, it's such a weird realization that my name will suddenly be different. It'll take some getting used to writing his name instead of mine. Still, it's just one more thing that makes me feel like we're a family.

6 weeks away...

Ryan and I can't believe how close we are to the big day. We've been engaged since June, so it's been a long year or so of waiting. I think we're so used to the idea of the wedding being something in the future, that it's almost hard to believe it's something that will actucally be here within a few weeks. The reality of it is starting to hit us a little more each day. Even little things, like buying a vaccuum cleaner, have made it feel more real. I've started to move more of my things over to the apartment, so my room at my parents' house is looking more and more bare. I can't wait till we are able to live under one roof together, and live our lives as husband and wife.
Of course, it is a little bittersweet to be moving out of my parents' house. I was born in the house I live in now, so it's the only home I've ever known. It will be a little odd to move out, but it'll be amazing at the same time. To have one home together, and no more of this switching back and forth between my house, his mom's house, or the apartment. It'll be really nice to know that at the end of the day, we'll be leaving work and coming back to the same home everyday. Ryan said it best when he said, "It's such a simple concept [coming back to the same home], but it's going to be so amazing."

Healthy eating

Ryan and I have been wanting to eat a little healthier these days. Typically, if we make dinner at the apartment it's some kind of speghetti, rice, or pizza dish. We actually eat a lot of tofu too. Our eating could be worse, but we'd like it to be better. Part of the reason for having such a limited variety of meals is that I'm still learning how to cook without screwing up. We'd like to start eating lighter meals that implement more vegetables. We've been trying to research lots of healthy recipes to try to integrate them more into our diet on a regular basis.

If anyone has any suggestions or recipes, we'd love to try them out! Leave a comment here, on facebook, etc and let us know your favorite healthy recipes.

Green cleaning

Here are some make-it-yourself green cleaning products. Also see my earliest post for green laundry detergent and dishwashing detergent:-)

Mirror/Window cleaner

1 cup white distilled vinegar
3 cups water
10 drops lavendar oil

Keep a batch of this in a marked spray bottle. It won't streak as bad as commercial window cleaners. Use a reusable cotton rag for wiping. The lavendar oil has antibactria properties, and lavendar scent is known for relieving stress.
* In a bind, just using straight white distilled vinegar will do.


Carpet cleaner

2 cups hot water
2 tablespoons baking soda

Put in spray bottle, shake well, spray over carpet lightly. Let sit for 10-15 minutes and vacuum it up. It will freshen the carpet without leaving toxic dusty powders that commerical cleaners do.


Furniture oil

1/2 cup olive oil
1 teaspoon lemon juice

Put in a jar or tupper wear, shake it up, and use it to wipe down furniture.


Homemade dryer sheets

1 rag
5 drops (anymore will stain your clothes!) of your choice essential oil.

the essential oil goes on the rag and goes in the dryer like a regular dryer sheet. When the scent starts to fade from the rag, you can continue to add drops later. If it starts to get a little yucky, just wash the rag and start again.


Ant repellant

sprinkle ground cinnamon around baseboards/bottoms of doorways and this will keep the out while making your home smell great.


Weed killer

water the weeds in your garden with white distilled vinegar. This will do the same job as a commercial chemical weed killer, but it won't poison the ground or get into the water system.


Microwave cleaner

2 tablespoons baking soda or lemon juice
1 cup water

Mix ingredients in a microwave safe bowl. Microwave for 5 minutes or until the liquid boils and condensation builds up inside the microwave. Wipe down.

Happy green cleaning!

Going Green... damnit

I know it's really trendy to be "going green" these days. At first, I was really annoyed with people about the whole green thing. It seemed like people were all of the sudden jumping on the bandwagon just to be hip. It made me determined to resist it in my own life. Don't get me wrong, I was brought up that it's right to recycle, throw your trash away in garbage cans and not on the ground, to conserve water, etc. I just didn't want to get preachy and obnoxiously deliberate about being especially eco-friendly.

And then I did what I said I wouldn't...... and I'm glad I did.

I'm realizing how important it is to take care of the planet. People matter more than anything else in the world, but people can't be healthy unless our planet is healthy. I also love the beauty of the outdoors, and I don't want to see it destroyed anymore than it already has been. It really is important to take care of the environment. These days, I've tried to be more careful about turning off lights when leaving the room, unplugging eletricals when not using them, conserving more water, etc. One thing I'm really excited about is cleaning green. I cleaned the bathroom yesterday with windex, and I started having a hard time breathing with all the strong chemicals. Luckily, there are tons of natural cleansing products you can make at home (and they're cheaper than commercial products as well.) I'll post those recipes in my next post, so stay tuned.

Thanks for listening to me being preachy and obnoxiously deliberate about being especially eco-friendly.

Green Tea

I'm kind of in love with green tea. I've completely switched over from coffee. In fact, I've become kind of a green tea enthusiast, drinking 3-5 cups a day. I've been researching a lot of the health benefits of drinking green tea, and it's been pretty cool to learn about. For example, drinking 3-6 cups of green tea a day can lower your chances of cancer, Alzheimers, high cholesteral, tooth decay, and boost your metabolism as well. It's been a great way for me to wake up in the morning (green tea has about the same amount of caffeine as coffee,) to relax in the afternoon and evening, and to do something good for my health. My new years resolution was to drink more tea each day, and I'm really glad I've gotten into the habit of doing so. It's been a really nice addition in my daily diet, and I'd really encourage others to give it a try. In fact, try drinking 3 cups of green tea a day for a week or two and see what happens. You might become annoyingly obsessed with it (like me.) I like it best with lemon juice, but you can try adding sugar, honey, or just drinking it plain.
Seriously, give it a try. You may notice a really positive difference in the way you feel.

15 weeks to go

We can't believe how close we are to the big day. We have less than 15 weeks to go. We still have a few more things to get done before the wedding. We still need to get our wedding rings, marriage license (kind of important,) flower girl dresses, order the chairs/tables, address the invitations, finish a playlist of music for the reception, and a few other little things. For the most part, things are coming along nicely. We just can't wait for the day to finally come when we can be married. It's going to be so amazing to not have to say goodnight to each other anymore, and just be in one household.
It's pretty unbelievable to think about how in just 15 weeks our lives will be changed forever. 15 weeks and we'll be committed to each other forever. It's really amazing to think about it like that. I've had someone ask me before if the reality of it being so close has sunk in yet. It has, and it only makes me more excited for it to come. I'm definitely over the "dating thing," and I'm just ready to finally marry the love of my life.

We've been blessed

I woke up this morning thinking about how blessed Ryan and I have been as we've prepared for our future together. People have been so generous with their time, money, and things. From dinner dishes, recipe books/magazines, wine glasses, knick knacks for the apartment, money towards our honeymoon, and time and energy spent helping us move, everyone has been so generous and giving. It's been such an encouragement to have so many people come around us and support us in our future marriage. We've received so much advice and help for the days ahead, and we're genuinly so thankful for what God has given us through others.
Thank you to everyone who has been so wonderful and encouraging!! You have no idea what it means to us!!!!! God bless you all.

pulling it all together

Well, the apartment has been great so far. We have our couch and kitchen table, which has really made the apartment feel more complete. Ryan and I are really enjoying putting our own touches on the place to make it feel more like home. We're really enjoying having a kitchen of our own where we can prepare meals together. Some meals have turned out great, and others... not so much. We're learning. Ryan has been so gracious when I make something that doesn't turn out so good. Even though I know it's bad, he always tries to reassure me that he loves it.
The wedding is also coming rapidly. Less than 5 months (143 days) from now we will be exchanging vows in his mom's backyard. We're both awaiting the day with excitement and anticipation. We're planning on renting a secluded mountain top cabin near Deep Creek Lake where we can enjoy nature, hiking, kayaking, swimming, etc. It should a nice laid back trip. We're very excited about it.
It's been a little surreal to know that this wedding is coming so soon, but we can't wait to be married, move in together, and enjoy our lives together as one union. I feel so encouraged and blessed to have a future with Ryan. We both can't wait for the day until we are recognized as husband and wife.

we got the apartment!!!!

This week has been very busy. Ryan and I got the apartment in Ellicott City and we love it!!! Ryan is moving in now, and I'll move in after the wedding. In the meantime, I'm moving some of my stuff in slowly. We've been busy with trying to transform the apartment into a home. So far, it's looking beautiful. We've hung pictures on the walls and been trying to personalize the place and make it our own. At the moment, we don't have much of any seating. The couch will be there on Thursday (which we're really excited about), and we're still waiting for our dinner table to come back in stock at Ikea. Little by little it's all coming together. Our families are so happy and excited for us, and have been so helpful with the process. They've helped us move in and given us a bunch of stuff we'll need for the kitchen. We've been so incredibly blessed by God. We're very excited to see our home coming together and we can't wait till the wedding when I can move in fully. Thanks to everyone for your prayers and well wishes for us to get this apartment. We're really looking forward to having people over once we're a bit more settled.